If you’ve been living under a rock for very long and as questions like “What is a Twitter?”, pay attention. Social Media 101 is in session and here’s all you need to know about sounding cool on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
Let’s start with the very basics of social media. There’s the Internet. Then there are people on the Internet. And then there are hipsters on it. They’re the guys who’ve been-there-done-that, all the time, every single time. If you’ve done a cool thing, they’ve done it before you. If you’re on Instagram now, they’ve been filtering the hell out of their decaf Starbucks take-aways since before you were born. Well, not literally.
They’re the epitome of being underground. They’re more underground than your underground subway. They’ve heard of stuff you won’t be hearing about for the next three years. And when you finally do, the hipsters will be around, in their baggy clothes and large rimmed spectacles, tagging their Mac Books around to tell you – We heard it first.
In a tweet: Those hipsters are so underground, they’ve probably never seen sunlight.
Hipster or homeless? We'll never know (Image credit: fashionanddfree.blogspot.com)
Duckface and Selfie
Dear me, we’ve stumbled upon the really messed up part of the Internet and I don’t mean 4chan. When you’ve finally ended up adding all the school friends, the college friends, the maasi ki ladki, the hot neighbour and the long lost girl-who-looked-like-a-guy-and-now-looks-like-a-bomb on Facebook, you will notice a strange thing in most of their pictures. They pout a lot.
Not your normal pucker-your-lips kind of pout, but the “Oh my God! Stop thrusting your lips into my camera lens!” kind of a pout. That, my friend, is a duckface. When men and women make and effort to look like a duck, you know things have started to go downhill. A word of caution: Never tell a duckface that he or she is one if you do not want your eyes gouged out. Just tell them that they have a sexy pout and run off to the safer parts of the Interwebz.
A selfie, on the other hand, is the bane of front-facing smartphone cameras. For some reason, people will end up taking pictures of extreme close-ups of their face for no apparent reason. They’re probably closet models, but you’d rather not find out. These pictures are usually so bad that you’ll be able to see pimple marks on their face from when they were teenagers. Very potent when mixed with a duckface.
For the love of god! Stop!
In a tweet: Man, I’ve run out of profile pictures for Facebook. Guess I’ll take a selfie and add in a duckface for good measure.
Here’s a tweet template you can use, especially if you’re interested in being a part of the Indian Twitter scene. This is the hashtag you must use to add a slight double-meaning twist to a seemingly innocuous tweet. This one comes in most handy to add an “if-you-know-what-I mean” kind of a feel to someone else’s tweet.
While this tweet hashtag can come in handy to initiate conversations, use it in excess to have the ladies fleeing away from you with a “chee chee” expression on their face. Can also be replaced with a #TWSS or a #TWHS (That’s what she/he said.)
In a tweet: The snake was 12 feet long #haun.
Haun?! (Image credit: Getty Images)
Trust me, you will want the person to really go away once you spot this hashtag. You see, kids, there are some lessons you must know of so you can avoid them like the plague. #OKImGoing is one such hashtag.
This hashtag essentially gives you the license to crack your worst pun-based PJ, without being killed. The rationale behind #OKImGoing is that the person who cracked the joke does not need someone else to ask him to go jump off a cliff for cracking such a bad one.
People confident about their puns will crack them without this hashtag. The moment you think of using this hastag, you must know that someone’s going to send a virtual slap your way the moment you hit the Tweet button.
In a tweet: What do you call an extra large pair of trousers? Elepant. #OKImGoing
Palm, meet face... face, meet palm. Go Manoj Kumar on someone you don’t know how to react to. A virtual reaction to something so incredulous that you’re unsure of whether to cry, laugh at the person or simply choke-slam them repeatedly.
Yes, this is probably the reaction you will have when you scroll through most of your Facebook feed and even Twitter at times. The best way to complement your feeling of facepalm is to attach memes or gifs of Captain Jean-Luc Picard of Star Trek: The Next Generation clutching his face in disbelief.
In a tweet: My friend asked me if America and USA are the same thing. #Facepalm
Remember when you left your Facebook account open this one time in college and your friend wrote that you were in the closet? Yes, that has a word for it. It’s called “fraping”. Insensitive as it may sound, fraped is a combination of Facebook and raping. Elaborate pranks and a simple change of relationship status all constitute of fraping.
Most common frapes are when friends find your Facebook open and announce to the world that you’re a homosexual. Other frapes include changing display pictures to those of B-grade celebrities and sending out random friend requests.
In a tweet: We fraped him so bad, he had to explain to his girlfriend that he did not swing that way.
Yolo and Swag
The words you wish you never encounter when you’re surfing your Facebook and Twitter feed, or worse, your Instagram feed. These words are two part bling and one part stupid. Yes, take it from us, these words pretty much give you the license to be stupid for Facebook and Tumblr posts.
Yolo – you only live once – is like the half-brained version of “Carpe Diem”. The idea says that you can and should do everything stupid like eat something inedible or get drunk and pass out every night of the week because, well, you only live once.
Swag, on the other hand, represents everything douche-baggy pre-pubescent kids are indulging in these days. It essentially means appearance and style, or the way someone represents themselves. Which means you can dig out horribly baggy clothes from the attic, let your pants hang around your ankles and wear a cap that covers all your face just like the rod-straight hair on your head do.
These terms are usually used by kids from the age of 10 to about 18, when they hopefully move on to stupider things in life. If you have friends who use the term swag and yolo in sentences and posts, log out, curl yourself up in a ball in a dark room and reflect on what you’re doing in life.
In a tweet: If you use yolo and swag with me in a sentence, I will ensure that you only live once.
Swag? I don't even... (Image credit: Balloverall)
Yes, yes, we’ve all been on Orkut at one point of time or the other. The social networking website where you could discuss your favourite topics on forums as well as add your family and close ones was known best for making “fraandship”. Mind you. I do not mean friendship. You became friends with people in school, college and everyone else on the Internet. However, on Orkut, you made fraands.
It wasn’t uncommon to receive “scraps” along with an add request where someone with hearts in their name wanted to be “fraands” with you because you were cute, beautiful, dashing, et al.
These days, if someone acts leechy or slimy on Facebook with you and wants to make “fraands” with you, feel free to call him an Orkutiya.
In a tweet: I got a fraand request from an Orkutiya last night. Yes, they still exist.
Unskilled, unaware, thoughrougly unsure of what he's doing in a game or a social networking website. Usually used to describe someone who doesn't play games for 22 hours a day at least, you could call anyone a n00b on a social networking website if they look like they're venturing out of their comfort zone.
It doesn't happen every single time, but you can spot most n00bs when they seem cocksure of things they aren't supposed to be cocksure about. There's no shame in calling someone a n00b when they do that. Especially when one tries to school you in a subject of your experitse.
In a tweet: The n00b tried to tell me why Pakistan's cricket team is better than ours.
This term describes all that is awesome about you. You’re the boss and the world is your stage. When you show off about doing something brilliant in a much more awesome manner, you’re doing it like a boss.
Now, we’re not sure why “boss” is shown to be awesome here, because let’s face it, you don’t like your boss. This is a great exercise in self-motivation to push yourself to be the boss. Like a boss.
In a tweet: This article has now made you capable of taking the social networking world head-on. #LikeABoss.
So kids, you may send in your guru-dakshinas to me through cheque or cash. Frankly, I prefer you simply follow me on Twitter and Instagram because, let’s face it, this is why we’re all here!